Sex-crazed Jessica Simpson managed to tear herself away from fiance, Eric Johnson’s blue ribbon quivering member yesterday long enough to make that gut-wrenching trip to the gym. Picture outlets are mixed over whether Jessica and her GINORMOUS tits went to a gym or a personal trainer but one thing is certain, the reality star is finally putting her ass where her money is.
My God, can you imagine how much those boobs weigh? That’s got to be hurting her back. And they’re probably oozing milk like Niagara Falls. How many sports bras do you think she’s wearing? I know a lot of girls who wear two when they run and they aren’t packing half the load as Jessica. She’s got to be on three at least. Working out after a C-section can’t be fun but when you’ve got those balloons smacking you in the forehead with every step, it’s got to be murder.
But she has no choice and that is why Jessica will succeed at dropping the weight. She’s the new face of Weight Watchers. She has to get her tired, sore, C-section ass to that gym to shut down all the squawking bitches (myself included of course). Four million dollars is a hell of a reason to leave even the sexiest and most desirable schlong at home (since I’m not sure Eric does anything else?). But why doesn’t she just play the beast with two backs to get the weight off? Despite John Mayer’s recent transformation, I’m sure he’ll be there in a second for more of that “sexual napalm.” She’s already told Ryan Seacrest that’s she all about being the Madonna and the Whore right now and can’t get enough of Johnson’s baby making juice. You lose a lot of calories with cardio sex, especially when you’re going against doctor’s orders and risking infection when you have it too f-cking early after having your baby ripped out of your tummy tum. GROSS. It’s too early for this! But I can’t help myself. Jessica Simpson grosses the shit out of me with all her sex talk, and all I can picture when I see her is… you know, I’m going to save your virgin eyes and not even go there… for both of our sakes.
On a less snarky note, Jessica looks kind of cute, right? I mean, try to get past the flotation device tits and you see a happy, cute girl excited to get out of the house. Her face has already slimmed down considerably and, sure she’s not too pumped at being papped in workout clothes going to the gym, but she managed a smile for all us voyeurs. Because to give her credit, Jessica is always a good sport about things. We gossip and bitch and laugh at her with her but she takes it in stride always fueling our interest by telling us about her insatiable hunger for mac and cheese and mind-blowing orgasms. That’s what makes the the weight watching so much fun. It’s not about Jessica losing the weight or what she puts in her mouth to do it; it’s always about what spills out of her mouth in the meantime, don’t you think?
Photo Credit: Photo Credit: FameFlynet Pictures