Someone has a crush on Angelina Jolie, and we’re not referring to the stalkers with the Gia DVDs and the ferret children dipped in dead grandma dust. No, this someone is hotter than a lonely Zac Efron with a t-shirt allergy.
The National Enquirer writes, “Johnny Depp’s bisexual squeeze Amber Heard is nursing a girl crush on Angelina Jolie – and she desperately wants Johnny to introduce them. Most guys would have no problem with that, but the fact that both Amber and Angie have enjoyed lesbian relationships gives Johnny some cause for worry.”
Amber and Angie sounds like a sitcom starring Holly Hunter and Jodie Foster (wink wink), but without the 100-year-old, dead people background cackle track.
The Enquirer is certain that Depp’s love life – they call him Captain Jack Sparrow Sperm in the bedroom – will end in Armageddon once Amber and Angie collide. A more chauvinistic scenario involves Depp, Amber and Angie playing Twister in a motel room that smells like panda, but this scenario is implausible, because Amber Heard doesn’t have a brain.
“Johnny feels Amber and Angie have a lot in common. But he’s just not sure where a friendship between them would go. A part of him fears that if he introduces them, sparks could fly and then who knows what?”
Muriel Marigold, a resident of Nowhere Plus One, read this story at the Seven/Eleven down the road from her workplace, Murder Syrup and Co. She fainted, fumbled and tripped down the eleven stairs, but fortunately the article padded her breasts, effectively saving her from being punched in the face by her Angelina Jolie obsessed chain smoking sister Rose “Cathands” Marigold McGee.
Everyone loves a love triangle, even more so when it involves Depp, Amber and Angie.
Open that Freudian cage and let them loose!
It might be Johnny’s Final Fantasy, but at least he can enter into the fray by breaking down a door and screaming, “Here’s Johnny!”
Now that is what I call awesome.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet