The latest cover of The National Enquirer is downright terrifying. So, if you’re eating/drinking/speaking/sitting/running/crying, don’t look at it. You’ll never be able to un-see the horrors of overweight and underweight celebs. Seriously, don’t do it. Not only is cellulite and ribbed (not ripped) bodies the name of the game, but there’s also a disastrous Khloe Kardashian trying to get O.J. Simpson out of prison. In some, odd, and slightly serendipitous way, Khloe and O.J. belong with the tribe of sideshow freaks gracing this week’s cover. Also, in the top left corner, we have a Chelsea Clinton “Pregnancy Secret” that will ensure absolute craziness in the Clinton family.
The Enquirer loves blockbuster pieces on overweight celebs. This issue will see you drooling in the cellulite thighs of censored celebrity faces and will have you screaming, yelping, and crying in the wind. There are nine pages of celebutante weight, so you won’t be let out in the cold like a dead Bruce Jenner after the Kardashians forgot to open the door for him. However, if fat and thin celebs don’t tickle your fancy – it doesn’t tickle ours – you’ll be able to read about this tagline: “Outrage! Khloe Plans To Free O.J. From Prison – Her Secret Letter To The Judge.” Now, before you fall asleep on your keyboard and wake up with the “W”, “T”, and “F” keys on your cheek, can you just imagine what that letter might have looked like? We have a sneaky suspicion Khloe wrote the letter in crayon and drew a unicorn and her family at the back with the headline: “Wifout O.J., my familie is not compleet. Plz Mr. Judge, plz let hem go?” Wow. That’s really a blockbuster issue…
Don’t let us keep you. Get in your hybrid, wipe the frozen cold-snot from your neck, and head down to your local store to pick up this week’s mammoth issue. Please ensure that you did not eat any solid foods prior to purchasing a copy?