Kim Kardashian is as pregnant as a pregnant woman. We all knew it was only a matter of time before the numero uno Kardashian told the world of her soon-to-be-born mini-Kanye West. The baby’s cool – we’ve got nothing against babies. We do, however, have something against the Kardashians and their tribal mating cries. Hey, you know what? It’s a new year and a time for resolutions, so we’re going to refrain from talking about the Kardashians and their vile mannerisms and fame whoring. Who are we kidding? Let her rip.
If you’re still sobering up from your raucous New Year’s Eve party, you better grab a bucket, because this Kardashian is about to become mincemeat. Kanye West, Kim K’s handy man candy, might love the junk-in-the-trunk more than his useless lyrics and ego, but there are rumours of paternity tests spreading across the vast plains of the interwebs. West’s love for his baby mama might fade quicker than a fart at church if it comes to light that the baby isn’t his. (Babies are cute and mushy, but they sometimes have a way of creating scandals and reality television shows while they’re still being grown in the stomach) So, let’s work out this scenario, shall we?
The internet is abuzz with stories of West demanding a paternity test. We won’t put sordid liaisons past Kim K, but we’re still giving her the benefit of the doubt on this one. According to TMZ, Kim K is “approximately three months pregnant” – what that basically means, boys and girls, is that Kim K had some sexy time with a man in October of 2012. (We’re betting it was around Halloween, because nothing scares you into sex like hungry juveniles wearing clown faces) As far as reports go, Kim K wasn’t with another man during that time, but we also know that Hollywood loves their Halloween, pre-Halloween, and pre-pre-pre-Halloween parties. And what happens at said October celebrations? Celebrities get drunk and Lindsay Lohan punches women. Could Kim K have had one too many Tequila shots and attended the Church of Hot Addiction? Could Kim K have slipped into sumfin’ sumfin’ and sexy timed with an anonymous male? It’s a valid theory. She’s hot, curvaceous, popular, and famous. And as we know crazed fans – that’s a recipe for sheet rubbing. When all is said and done, we do doubt however that Kim K was impregnated by a Tom Cruise-lookalike. We think the baby is Kanye’s, but whether said baby will be Kanye’s BFF is another question – if you haven’t noticed yet, Kim K doesn’t do well with marriage and nuptials.
Ultimately, Kim K is pregnant. It’s a fact. She is carrying a tiny person inside of her like a binge eating Gulliver. The baby might not come out the other side looking like Kanye, but as we know and understand the Kardashians, this won’t really be much of a problem. Kris Jenner will sing the baby soothing lullabies and – wait, scratch that – Kris Jenner will be selling the baby’s drool on Ebay, will tell the world that the kid is a genius, and will use said drool in a marketing campaign for the Kardashian beauty empire. (Apply Baby Drool before going to bed at night – wrinkles will be gone in the morning. Baby not included.)
Do you hear that? It’s the sound of the Kardashians applauding, because a new gold mine was just uncovered in the dark recesses of Kim K’s womb.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet